As the new year arrives, I thought to myself, what better of a time to write the first entry for my blog. This coming year, my life will be drastically different than what I have ever known. I’ve been incredibly eager to start my own website where I can share my personal ideas and experiences that I feel should be shared with others. You’re still probably wondering why my life is going to become so different.
Well, let’s start from the beginning.
2018 has been the year of truth. My entire life, I have always done things according to plan. I’m kind of obsessed with always being mindful of what the next move is for myself. I have always felt that in order to feel whole, I needed someone next to me to hold my hand and tell me that everything will be ok. In the beginning of 2018, I was head over heels in love, preparing to move in with my boyfriend. My plan was to live near campus, continue taking my classes, and move in starting Fall of 2018. Over the summer, I was fortunate enough to take a short trip to the East coast with my mother. It was just the two of us, which allowed us to bond and see a lot of beautiful scenery. It was truly an eye opening experience and to this day I believe it has helped me make a lot of the decisions I have made the in recent months. Once returning home from our trip, I returned back to my job, where I worked as a nanny. It was my first day back to work, when the family sat me down and announced that they would be moving to Germany. At first, I felt like someone had pulled my heart out of my chest. To my surprise, they ended up asking me if I would like to become an Au Pair for their family. I obviously had a lot to think about because this had never been my plan. I have always been adamant about getting my degree and graduating on time. This was not an easy decision to make, believe it or not. Moving to another country by myself? In the middle of getting a college degree? At the time, it was still such an exciting offer but a part of me was still in denial about changing the blueprint I seemed to have made for myself.
Summer came to an end and it was time to move into my first apartment. My boyfriend and I at the time were very excited to take this on together. Like I said, we were head over heels in love. We used so much of our heart when making the decision to move in, that we completely forgot to use our head. Don’t you hate when that happens? We only lived together for a month until we realized it obviously wasn’t going to work. From that moment, I lived in a two story townhouse, all by myself. I had never been on my own before, and I definitely wasn’t prepared for this. The loneliness began to really set in. I had been through break ups before, none of them being easy. This one felt different though. In all other scenarios of my past breakups, I hadn’t chosen to learn anything from them. Instead, I fell for the first person who was nice to me. I realize now that I deserve so much more. Not necessarily within a relationship setting, but life in general. I decided that it was time to do some learning. I hadn’t taken any time to learn about myself in years. I’ve always found myself more anxious to learn about other people, than my own self.
In the past couple of months, I have been learning new ways of life. I found the truth about myself. The truth about why I do certain things. The truth about things I crave in life. The truth about who I want to have in my life. And the truth about how I want to start living my life. I have so many amazing things that I have learned that I believe can help others who are ready to start learning more about their truth.
I learned a new word recently. Trepidatious. I’ve always had an awful vocabulary so I’ve actively been trying to expand it. Trepidatious is defined as apprehensive or nervousness. I had the opportunity to move to another country and learn what it would be like to be on my own, in a completely new place. At the time, this was absolutely terrifying to me. It was at that moment that I realized my life was filled with trepidation. And for what?
The truth is: I’m not “supposed” to do anything. I’m supposed to be happy and live life according to how I want to. After losing that feeling of love for another person, I made the conscious effort to put that love towards myself. I realized I didn’t want to lose out on the greatest opportunities my life had to offer just because I was intimidated. I have lived with that dark hole inside of me, called anxiety, every day for my entire life. It may be one of my largest battles, but now I choose to challenge it. I’ve always perceived my mental health as a flaw that held me back in life. I’ve always given it more power, often allowing it to make my decisions for me. It’s always going to be a part of me but now I am able to look at it as a strength of mine. I challenge it by making decisions that I know scare me. I put myself into situations that I never have before. I’ve actually been quite surprised on how much I have began to open up and really embrace who I am for what I am. My life will be changing soon. You see, I took that fearfulness and discomfort, and turned it into something great. I used it to make the decision to move to Germany: I leave in a month. I have started learning the language and culture, something I never in a million years would have thought to would be doing. I have began planning where I would like to travel to, something that I also discovered is very important for me to do in this lifetime. I’ve even discovered my love for photography and writing, which sparked my interest in blogging. I know I am giving up the plan I have always had for myself. Instead, I’m going into this with no plan at all. I’m very grateful for all of the things I have learned and benefited from in 2018. I am very thrilled to enter 2019 with a little bit more wisdom.